Silver Lining
Sep 3rd
I have to admit I was not fortunate enough to have been born with a predisposition towards the positive, with a bright-side default where I automatically can bounce back from a problem and be content. This has been a life-long journey traveling towards the light, and I mean this metaphorically and literally – to be in zeal of life is to take that step from the shadow into brightness and brilliance. There’s nothing wrong with darkness, just like the light, everything comes in hues and intensities, but I always did have a tendency towards darker moods and somber moments. Many people came into my life with messages of positivity, with natural upbeat personalities trying to rub that off on me; God bless their heart, they used to get under my skin with all that peppiness – I’d think to myself, there is no possible way that person is this happy!
It’s true, no one lives in bliss every hour of the day but there’s much to be said and learned from those who choose to spend their time finding the light and brushing off unimportant situations with ease, knowing that there is much more to look forward to than focusing on small nuisances; those who can hold a smile and carry air on their shoulders where nothing rests heavily, those who can instantaneously turn a frown upside down and move things along, move themselves along and in turn move everything else in their life along because they don’t get stuck.
There is always another side to a problem no matter how shitty it is or feels at the very moment you’re living it, there is always another view of that same situation, you just have to create the space to step aside from the negative feelings, from the anger (which is always felt inward first – which means you injure yourself first and from that injured place operate towards others), from the discomfort (and this my friends is a big one for me) and to be able to say: it’s OK, I’m sure there is a higher purpose in this.
Be your own higher purpose, tune in to your higher self, know that by carrying yourself lightly you are positively affecting the energy of everything that surrounds you. You are more powerful than you know, so own up to that energy you’ve been given and start eliminating that which is no one else’s problem to deal with but your own and bring a smile – not only on your face but in spirit – to where you go, you will be remembered for it.
Affirmation Day #2:
I will walk my path in radiance, I will glow from within, I will share my light. I will smile from my heart so that others can smile back at me from the same place. I will share my higher self lightly, and I will entertain thoughts that make me grateful and joyful and try to smack away (that’s right, smack) those that bring me down. Smile from my liver ;o)
Fantasia – Even Angels
Even angels learn to fly!
Loving Me
Sep 1st
Having devoured an impressive amount of books on positive psychology and spent many days and nights ping-ponging inside my own head doing what I like to call “self-therapy”, I have decided that I will embark on a new project that will combine all the elements that I most enjoy about digging in spiritually and which assert my path towards growth and the pursuit of balance and happiness.
When I turned twenty-one I decided that I would reclaim & repurpose the meaning of my birthday: my own personal holiday. I observe myself, my life, my accomplishments and the narrative of my story.
I welcome September with an inner smile of the memories I’ve made in this special month (I always ‘carry’ and turned a birth-day to a birth month – you set your own rules and regulations as to how you will celebrate yourself!).
Affirmation for Day #1:
I will take some time away from the matters of the heart. Increase the alone time and fill that space with things which engage my creativity. I will not sabotage my own happiness. I know better therefore I will do better. I will smile from my liver (taken from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love). Let’s get moving, we got a lot of smiling to do!
Robyn – Indestructible
In practicing the “Reclaim & Repurpose” method, take a song that evokes strong feelings about love and dedicate it to yourself! [How 'bout dem apples?!]
I Hope You Dance 2.0
Aug 12th
One of the brightest lights on the stage of So You Think You Can Dance is Cat Deeley’s spirit – I believe that Cat carries that show on her shoulders with grace and with lots of love to the time she spends there, the dancers who leave their hearts on that floor and to the judges who often misconstrue their own message to the dancers when they’re at a loss for words or seem to have a biased opinion on something that has not resonated with them, thus losing perspective of what they’ve just experienced. In having followed the show closely, I’ve observed and appreciated Cat’s ability to be so comfortable in her skin and present in the moment that she imbues the rhetoric of that show with loads of nurturing towards those dancers who come off their vulnerable performances to be (sometimes) cut down by the judges; she gently slips her opinion in favor of the dancer rescuing them from the abyss of a harsh critique. She’s the embodiment of an uplifting soul, light-hearted in nature, fully aware of everyone affected by what is said and done, and truthful in her words. It is observing someone living within “The Power Of Now” and that’s beautiful in its own right.
This show has made a significant mark on pop culture with such precision that it’s made dance current and relevant again and it has resonated with many – proof being in the Twitter feeds I’ve read from random people whom I wouldn’t have expected were covering it via their updates in one way or another. It’s become a movement and it’s touched many of very different backgrounds and interests. I will venture to say that it’s the awe of watching someone take their potential to the limit and giving language through movement for the words we do not easily find to express the matters of the heart.
As this season has reached it’s end – I am the poster boy for Team Robert, irrespective of who wins – I have been again, week by week, filled with hope, moved to tears, ripped into pieces by many routines and dancers, and even watched in a rush of adrenaline some of these kids soar to places where their spirit lifts them to. What I have loved about this season was the major incorporation of male-with-male routines; specifically Kent and Neil’s. We’re in a different age, and taking into account that gay marriage is such a relevant issue, it takes shows like these to speak for the fact that we’re culturally forging forward.
The piece with Neil and Kent, although understated as the quarrel between two friends, to me it played out as the betrayal of a lover and the pain and heartbreak that ensues – and as I’ve written here before, it’s a theme that hit home, and both dancers took it there – when Kent walks behind Neil, holds his arms, buries his face in his back and forcefully rubs them down and leaves him depleted while he walks away holding onto his heart: painfully beautiful.
The original post of I Hope You Can Dance found me taking the message through a spiritual angle and that still stands: “When your spirit moves, your body will follow”. Force yourself to find freedom in moving along through your moments of despair and sadness, find your potential and push yourself to the limit, explore that, find joy in knowing that there’s always more to give, more to share, more to be. And yes, I Hope You Dance. Lift yourself out grief and stress, extend yourself towards your higher purpose and find your own song.
Disclaimer: although the video is in high-quality, it loads a little slowly. Wait, it’s worth it.
::SilentFuckerStare::
Aug 10th
Because the phrase SilentFuckerStare has become such a part of my vernacular, thanks to my good friend Maynor, who’s rhetoric, wit and humor interject into my writing on a regular basis, I feel the need to share here what this means to us, and what it will mean here at re:thinked.
The Silent-Fucker-Stare was inspired by Ms. Edna Mode from The Invincibles as you look to your left while she serves you one so you get a clear visual of what it entails. This means: I disapprove, I am not feeling that and/or you, I am upset, I am having a contained tantrum and with this look I will crush you, if I could inflict pain upon you with this look, you’d be buckling over feeling every bone shatter – ohhhhk, bring it back Louie! Fine, it means: I do not see you all the while I look at you!
So, this category will serve to showcase those things I’m not doing cartwheels over and that which I feel, if left up to me, would have been arranged completely different.
Step Up 3D – Review
Aug 10th
Last night a friend and I went to the movies to see Inception on IMAX but opted to catch Step Up 3D sharing that I am a ‘Fame’ kid and he grew up loving dance movies; in we go 3D glasses and excitement in tow (first, don’t arrive to a kiddie movie 40 minutes early, the previews are torturous). The thing about 3D movies is that within 15 minutes your eyes adjust and the 3D experience dilutes itself down to an occasional visual tickle (see article on how Avatar affected the 3D wave via collider.com). The only thing worth the 3D experience and the screen time in this movie (I almost called it a film – shame on me!) is the dance sequences. The movie would switch from its disjointed story lines: frustrated film maker gives a group of stray dancers a home becoming an extended family (that was not convincingly told); damsel in distress infiltrates the dance crew’s training ground/home to obtain footage of their dancing routine and pass to rival group (revisiting a Hannah Montana episode?); and the major twist in the plot: THE damsel in distress is the sister of the head of the rival crew: collective gasp! But you see how it all ties in, right? ::SilentFuckerStare::
Back to the choreography: on this I don’t have a complaint (though they’d segue-way into America’s Best Dance Crew mode with text-on-screen announcing the battle and all), it was by far the best incorporating of breaking, crunking, beatboxing and acrobatics into single routines so far – and having mentioned ABCD – they needed to make sure they did not come off as a cheap imitation of what’s featured on the show, and they did not. But this is the only place 3D did work. There were filler choreo scenes – the beginning and ending ones, ironically – but the last two battles, including one with waterworks, was thrilling enough to give you the pumped-up adrenaline rush of an action movie fight scene.
NOW, for Adam Shankman to be an executive producer and a judge on the ever-growing So You Think You Can Dance franchise put me off with the selection for the starring roles: both Natalie (Sharni Vinson) and Luke (Rick Malambri) looked too old for their roles – being 28 and 29 respectively in real life – and everytime they smiled all you saw was pretty little folds of skin all over. Listen, if Charice had to get Botox at 18 for her role in Glee, then I wanted to see the 3D complexion of these characters UP TO the same standard and pleasantly plump in Restylane (my friend joked that Natalie looked like everyone else’s mom in the film: TRUE!). Hello.com – if you’re following this season’s incorporation of the All Stars: I would have voted for Neil and Kathryn to have nailed the job – while serving hotness on a platter.
Wait for the DVD.
ps. Love, love, love Twitch – happy to have seen him pop & lock the fuck out of those choreos! Hi5!
Re:defining Who I Am
Jul 28th
Ten years ago I was 24: life was a self-serving chaotic adventure that I had ridden from my birth in Puerto Rico through the bouncing travels of my childhood – from the Virgin Islands to Miami to New York and back to Puerto Rico – to my adolescence when the universe picked up a second wind and sent me all the way across to California – from there I migrated from San Diego to Mexico to Boston and back to San Diego – and eventually back again to the east coast where I now reside. My chaos was self-serving but not completely self-inflicted; it’s part of being a child of divorce and a Navy brat, springing around was second nature, it either makes you or breaks you. It made me who I am.
Ten years ago I would not have predicted that I would stay this long in one space (there were several moves in this city within that time), yet here I am, feeling as native to Miami as if I was born here. That’s been my life, learning to adapt, acclimate and assimiliate. I made friends at every stop – like a sailor has many lovers in many ports - and some of them are still very close and dear to my heart. The ability to have my environment shift and change so much yet still keep the genuine energy and love in my connections intact is one of the things I’m proudest of in my life: where’s the value to it all without having true witnesses to your personal story?
When I was a kid I would look at the adults and think: I can’t wait to get there so my issues (whatever burdens weighed on me) can be gone, they seemed to have things together. No one has anything together – all you can have is you with some sense of peace, some concept of happiness and love and the notion of how you can share this experience with those around you in the most positive of lights. We sure make a mess of it in the meantime!
I’m two months away from turning 34 years old and the only certainty I have is that I have worked hard on becoming who I am. There are goals and dreams to be achieved: music industry, public relations, healthcare, fitness, arts maybe even a spiritual calling, who knows, the options and possibilites and endless and boundless. I’m not stressed to define myself within one character understanding that every single thing I have encumbered in my years is for the higher purpose of what’s to be. I rest easy in the understanding that I am who I need to be and where I need to be today.
In an exchange with a friend I mentioned that my life was filled with graffiti murals and with a soundtrack that could rival a tour-life-snapshot video montage from the 80’s onward. I kept listening to this tune while writing and it became the backsplash that allowed my thoughts to jigsaw into place: “I’m so loved up, I’m so scared” – the juxtaposition of my heart.
Korallreven Loved-Up (LOL Boys Remix)
The Other Side
Jul 26th
When the (shit) storm came my way it was hard to stay rooted, especially when it came with hurricane-force winds, and everything I knew felt like it was picked up into the vortex of a tornado into which I lost my grip, got swallowed up and saw everything from the fast-paced swirling of that spin. It was a few weeks of manic-depressive slopes and slides, hills and valleys in an airplane rapidly running out of fuel – suddenly the valleys didn’t look so appealing! ::CRASH::
So I sat there for a couple of days licking my wounds and assessing the new environment: the view, the nature of its newness (a word I loved to use at one point now evolving into its own newness), and the possibilities – we are only limited by our own mental state, by the framing we give things and by the emotions we allow ourselves to sink into or rise above from. Things have started to look green again; I live in a city where there is a visual crispness to things, everything is as intense at it looks: colors, scents, nature, the humidity, the heat, the shine on and off things, and even the darkness.
Here I am, on the other side of my moment in time. I’m taking a bird’s-eye view over my own path and seeing the landmarks of my journey, some are large and some much smaller in scale; I haven’t traveled far enough on this side to know what signs or monuments will be left behind, but I do know there will be one. Good enough, now let’s get to traveling!
Speaking of newness, I found a site that has all sorts of genre-bending electronic fusions with new and free downloads daily: RCRDLBL. This quiet storm electro tune became a soothing balm to my ears on this lovely Monday: Active Child – When Your Love Is Safe (Classixx Remix). Instead of me explaining the symmetry of this track with my feelings at this moment, I’ll let you listen and allow for your own experience with it:
Active Child – When Your Love Is Safe (Classixx Remix)
I Hope You Dance
Jul 20th
Love did leave me empty-handed, and I’ve been busying myself with keeping my pockets full. This place I find myself today is interesting and different, heartbreak is no longer new, and foreign, nonetheless the pain and sorrow runs just as deep, I’ve simply learned to ride the waves in the ocean of my emotions. As much as I thought I’d be able to avoid the anger, it’s paid me a visit. It’s a bittersweet guest because it brings the opportunity to climax into the emotions that once were there, but it also signifies that inevitably things are moving along, that once this fire subsides, there might be ashes. Having clung to this phase before, I’m maintaining my awareness to make this as smooth as this can possibly be, grief-stricken forced smiles and all.
I’ve talked incessantly about hope, and I’ve lived for a long time with a quote close to my heart: “don’t take away someone’s hope, that may be all they have”. Within that sea of feelings I have to swim to the sandbar of my own hope. To rest in my own safety, to breathe and regain strength and to fight with all my might to keep my faith and heart intact, scars and all.
When So You Think You Can Dance came into my life there was an immediate connection to the art of dance that was eloquently summed up by Mia Michaels: “when your spirit moves, your body follows”. In translating that into my own journey – not being a dancer by trade – it speaks to me for the awareness and connectedness we have to maintain with our own spirit to push it through, to nudge it, to cultivate and nurture it to health and move it along; only in health can we walk the walk – and in this case, dance the dance.
The magic that occurs having the right dancers edged to their limits by the right choreographers to personal places where they can live in their soul and bodies the piece of music, it becomes transcendental. For the sake of moving my spirit along, I’ll share a few different pieces that touched me deeply and songs that have become a part of the soundtrack of my life.
Elisa – Dancing
Sara Bareilles – Gravity
Michelle Featherstone – I’m There Too
Though I feel somewhat incomplete in my grief, I’m making sure my spirit dances, that I allow myself to fall as much as I allow it to soar, to allow it to bend but never to break. And lastly, this is summed up by Ronan Keating’s I Hope You Dance, but there’s something special for me in Lee Ann Womack’s cover of the song. “Never settle for the path of least resistance, living might mean taking chances but they’re worth taking, loving might be a mistake but it’s worth making”.
Keep Faith
Jul 9th
I have faith that I will see you again my friend. I have faith that you will carry on and live well and more importantly LOVE WELL because we came into each other’s lives with purpose and meaning and that energy will survive. Love unabashedly, uninhibitedly, with abandon, in humility because that’s what remains at the end, the beauty of it.
I have faith that energy does not die it simply transforms. When two people fuse their hearts at a moment in time, a certain energy is cultivated and nurtured into growth. Obviously this does not guarantee the passing of seasons within that fusion, and I believe when separation comes we all have a hard time because we focus on the death of the dream shared, on the loss, on the pain.
There’s something to be said about Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief. I stood there in my shock for weeks before I realized that I was no longer a part of a relationship that I had cared for so much; I was now a-part. I found a bench along the Hudson, buried my face in my hands, allowed the flood gates to open and cried me a river. I found the strength to not swim anymore, to allow myself to float and be carried out into my feelings.
I haven’t found what is comfortable for me yet. I know I don’t like to dive into the depths of my sorrow because I fear how dark things can get. But I can admit that now. And I know I must slow down so I can access more of that grief and face my loss and begin healing. I do not want to carry pain around with me for it is heavy and foggy, and my inner voice does say: “Shine baby, shine!” – and I can’t do that if I’m hurting hard.
Every emotion has its balancing act: on the positive side there is a lot of light, love, and growth as a spirit from allowing myself to love, from opening up, for really accepting and caring for someone else. And that survives. It may not survive within the dynamic of what was once had, but it does not die. It transforms. It morphs within and without: its leaving a mark inside that remembers how to do it again, how to try, how to allow openness to be the operating system.
That I’ll see your face again / That our souls will never end / That I wouldn’t miss you friend / Cuz I know we’ll be back again / Keep faith, be strong, finding the reasons to hold on / Keep faith, live long, move with the spirit and lean on
Dresden & Johnston ft. Mezzo Riccio – Keep Faith (Morgan Page Edit)
Re:sufarcing
Jun 18th
There came a moment in the midst of what I’m experiencing that I understood I was forcing myself to carry on, pushing myself beyond my boundaries for the sake of moving along. Sometimes designating a purpose can be counter-intuitive to what your spirit and your emotional body need. I was pushing myself to only entertain positive thoughts, to keep my mind busy and engaged at all times, and though it worked, there was a need for me to step back from those impulses and simply listen to my inner voice. One of the purposes of this new project was to share light and I couldn’t do that while I was deeply searching for a glimpse of it, and in striving to be honest, I backed away and give myself a breather.
One morning while I began feeling the energy to start fixing myself up again, I found a skin product called “resurfacing scrub”, as I put it on, and felt the slight burn that works on the epidermis removing all the dead cells, I had a small epiphany: resurfacing is the creation of that new surface, of that new skin that comes after you buffer through the old and damaged. I found this symbolic to the process I am undergoing: the condition of applying something to my emotional body to create a change in its texture, and allowing it to heal into a new form of being.
One of the first healthier moves I made, which really did require feeling the sting of that buffering was reaching out to my ex and simply releasing him from emotional bondage (wishing him well, and letting him know I harbor no anger or ill will). I strongly believe that compassion generates benevolence when you choose to live in that space, it grows boundlessly. Even when you feel you’ve been wronged, if you can access that part of you that’s spiritually developed, and operate from that place, the universe unveils itself to greatness. It’s the simple law of: give greatness in humility and the universe will give you the tools for you to begin healing and resurfacing.
Buffer through your fears, put your ego aside and simply act and react from a place of love and freedom, and free you will be.
I leave you with a song that’s close to my heart for I’ve always felt that if I needed to chose a song to describe my journey in life, it would be “Me” by Kina.
“My heart’s jumping, God I’m feeling open,
Spent a long time moping, get a load of me, feeling free,
No pain no more, no blocking up my own door,
All anger out my back door, God it’s good to see,
Life got kinda hard, I faced it,
Fought and cried and almost gave in,
All negative forces faded,
Love of me just walked right in,
I’m just me, I’m enough,
With myself I’m love,
I’ve been weak, I’ve been low,
Made me strong now I know,
I’m just me, I’m enough,
Nothing less, nothing more
I wish everybody could just feel this kinda love.”